Mother’s Day Silence

Mother’s Day, what a day. You share with your children all the memories of days passed and dream of new adventures with your family. Chatter is all about, the smell of flowers everywhere; rain or shine, the sun shines upon us this day.

Little voices, grown up voices fill the air. You hear the sound of a car pulling in the driveway and you know another visitor, more smiles and laughs, hugs and kisses. On Mother’s Day your heart cannot get enough of it, your heart fills up and overflows, cascading down into your life like a river swollen from spring rains. How could life be any better?

This year, like any other year, the cars drive in, I hear the pitter patter of feet, the whole of the world is a stir as children arrive, grand daughter too. The biggest smiles from my grand daughter as she presents her card, all designed and drawn by her; it is one the most beautiful I have gotten, it is because in each stroke was her love, and her pride exudes itself in the whole design. I remember back when her mom would bring me fresh flowers and a handmade card, they exist in my heart, never forgotten, in a special box to thumb through and reminisce on days I want to relive the moment. 

The fresh flowers arrive, the potted flowers line up; there will be digging to do, when the rain stops; planning on where to plant, I want them near, where my enjoyment of them is close at hand. My garden never seems to be crowded, it evolves, spreads and mother nature gives me a hand on doing some trimming back during winter and spring storms. Still I plant, and plan for more space, for another line up of Mother’s Day plants.

All this day goes by and within all the chatter there is silence; that sound of the world spinning around you and you are left in the middle of a cavern, deep, without escape.  What is this silence? It is the absence of something, the absence of the sound of life. With all the chatter about me, I was missing, my heart was missing, my child, my daughter; spending Mother’s Day in heaven for the first time. She was a big part of my Mother’s Day, spending it always with me, helping me to plant, cooking dinner and sharing every minute of the day. Now there is no sharing, no one to help me plant or make dinner for me; I am lost in this cavern of longing for what I cannot have, her presence. I dream, I let my mind wander but it finds nothing, only longing.

I love each of them, each filling a special part of me; my heart divided into eleven rooms. One room is silent, filled with memories and joys of passed Mother’s Day but in this room today a vase remains empty, no chatter, no music, only the sound of silence; over powering the chatter and laughter. Mother’s Day silence, it brings me to reality, to where I discover she is gone; that motherhood is hard sometimes, and the hardest thing was to give her back and tell God, thank you for sending her so I could know the joy of loving her on earth and learn to love her forever in heaven. And now I understand, silence is not the absence of sound but the absence of not hearing the sounds from heaven; listening with my heart and not my ears I hear the joyful sound of silence.

One thought on “Mother’s Day Silence

  1. Nadine, it’s hard to imagine so many feelings flooding you all at once. Jesicha’s passing feels like it was yesterday. Hearts are still so raw with hurt. Mother’s think of their children on mother’s day and children think of their mothers. I KNOW that Jesicha was there with you as much as she could be. There was no where else on earth or in heaven where she would rather be. She was there in the quietness of the day. She still wants to be included in everything that the family does. She’s all around you so know and assume that she’s there even though her presence may not be obvious. She’s counting on you to just KNOW. xo Deb

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